you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize