margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
