I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
