The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
