The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
