man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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