I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
