listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
pop tarts are not kleenex
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
