He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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