I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
