Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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