Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
