I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
