Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
