Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
