Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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