I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
