I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Dignity is for republicans.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
