someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
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