OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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