I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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