he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
