He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
