took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
