My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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