The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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