he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
