I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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