is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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