you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I FOUND THE LEGS
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
