My liver just broke up with me...
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
