I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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