U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
