I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
