Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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