4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
we have officially lost it.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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