Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
