I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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