My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
