So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
