so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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