and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
