Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
