Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
