Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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