EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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