here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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