I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize