i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
