Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
