you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
