my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize