Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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