i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The feeling are messing with the penis
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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